pregnancy and infant loss month

All month, I made a goal to celebrate everyday my two angel babies. And so far I feel like I have been doing pretty well. But then I thought, well I haven’t talked about it thru my blog. The month is half way over and I’m not gonna stop remembering my angels. And I also realized what better way to honor them, than to talk about them? I’ve been thinking about sharing some of my memories of my daughter since I had more time with her. If your interested in my memories please leave a comment saying so. No hate. But I just want to help parents cope with trisomy 18, staying in the nicu, and child loss. No one should go thru this alone. This is my reasons for starting my blog. 

Missing my sweet angel babies

Its sleepless nights like tonight that I think about both of you. I wonder how you are and if you both think about me as much as I think about you both. My heart is just so broken. I just want to be with both of you. I need your comfort and joy you brought me while you was here. I don’t know what to do. And some days I find it difficult to breathe. But all I know is I’m gonna honour both of you everyday. I want you both to be proud of me. Proud to call me mommy. Proud to take every step by my side even though I can’t see you right now. I will always love and miss you both. I hope you are enjoying heaven and being together. 

I love this saying. It is so true for both of my angel babies!! 

If I could…

If I could see my daughter one more time I would hold her close, kiss her head, and tell her how much I love her. If I could change how her life was, I’d take away her chromosome disorder and fix both her heart defects, and I would have gave her a longer life at home and not spent at the hospital. If I could, I would have given her my last breath so she would have a lifetime more. If I could, I would also bring back the baby I just miscarried. I think about how life would have been if that baby would have been healthy.

I miss them and think about them, everyday, every hour, and every second. I feel like I cannot breathe. It has been rough continuing life without them. Time does not make this any easier. I will always love and miss my babies. 

The begining

It all started in September 2015. I had just found out I was pregnant. My husband and I were very excited. We had been trying to have a baby for 10 months. As time went by we discovered our baby was a girl and she had a chromosome disorder called trisomy 18. Later on we also discovered that she had a hole in her heart. Well more time went by and we was getting more and more excited to have our little girl. Then one day, I went in for an ultrasound at 30 weeks. The bloodflow in the umbilical cord was deteriorating quickly. I ended up having an emergency csection.  After that my baby had to stay in the nicu. I thought I would eventually be able to bring her home after her heart surgery. Oh boy did i get my hopes up. We ended up getting lifeflighted to primary children’s hospital in salt lake city a little over a month after she was born. They said they would do her surgeries before we left to go. Well after we got there we learned how severe her hole in her heart was, and we also learned she had another problem. Her aorta was narrowed. We had to wait for her to grow before they would do the surgeries. Then one day, she started having seizures. After that every surgeon refused to do her surgeries. We tried getting transferred but everywhere else refused as well. After a little over three months of age, on July 9, 2016, our little girl passed away and got her angel wings. Her heart had failed. And they couldn’t bring her back after that had happened.

Now its mid September 2016, and I have suffered thru having a miscarriage. I had to be put to sleep in order to have a dnc, so therefore I had to have a breathing tube down my throat. I am now just trying to recover and therefore I cannot go to work for a week.