So I have went to three different baby showers this year since losing my children. At first it was really hard. I kept thinking how I wished my babies were still with me. How I wished I could be with my children. I didn’t know how to react during the baby showers. By the time I got home I was so grateful the showers were over. All three were spread apart. I had went to one in February, one in April, and one in July. I had a difficult time enjoying the first two. I was happy for my friends, but deep down I was also jealous. jealous because my children were too beautiful for earth, and didn’t get to stay. Well now the first two have their children. Living and thriving. After they were first-born, I was still jealous. But now I’m happy for them.
And the baby shower I went to this month, well it went differently. I actually had fun. I was more social with everyone instead of keeping to myself. In fact, I got to know a few of the guests that was there. There was even one who had brought her newborn baby. At one point, she had to go do something, so she asked my friends mom to hold her baby. Well while she was holding the baby, I struck up a conversation with her and everyone around us. I told them all about my daughter. And that was the first time I had shared my daughters story to someone I didn’t know without crying or waiting til I was alone to cry.
Anyways, she wanted to take my friend for a walk since my friend was needing a short break. So she asked me if I wanted to hold the baby. Without thinking I said yes. So I walked over closer to her, and after I grabbed the baby, I went and sat down with her. I looked at her, and I just smiled. I talked to her while I rocked her. She was asleep til she got passed to me. Then she stayed awake for a few minutes before falling back to sleep. And while she was awake and even after she fell back asleep I just couldn’t stop looking at her. Paying attention to every little detail of her face. She had deep blue eyes just like my daughter. She also had dark hair like my daughter did. And she was about the same weight and height as my daughter was the last time I got to hold my daughter. So naturally I thought about my daughter. I wondered, once again, for like the billionth time, what my daughter would look like now. How big would she be. What would be her favorite food, or toy, or activity. And for the first time, I didn’t cry, or almost cry, or want to cry. I smiled. I smiled thinking about her. Have I finally learned its ok to smile? Or is there something wrong with me? Its been a year since I lost my daughter. And almost a year since I had my miscarriages.
Anyways, when the mom of the baby walked back, I thought she would be upset because she didn’t know me. Instead she walked over to a group of people and talked for a while, which gave me longer to hold the baby. I don’t know if someone told her about what happened to my baby girl or not. All I knew was she was fine with me holding her baby. And I never had met her before. I don’t know if I would ever be ok with someone I never met holding my kid. Unless they went thru what I’ve gone thru. Even then I don’t know if I would stay at the distance away from my baby as she was. I’d want to get to know this person. Just to make sure my baby was safe.
So this blog is going to be about what I have been through in this past year. When my husband and I lost our daughter, I never thought I would find anyone to talk to who would understand. I blamed myself for not trying harder. Trying harder to fight to get my baby her heart surgeries. But I know deep in my heart, I did everything I could do. I know now its not my fault. Then after I had my miscarriages, I felt even worse. I blamed my body for failing my children. For not letting them be born healthy. I pushed everyone away from me. I felt like I was dragging everyone else down with my depression.
In these past few months I learned it was not my fault. I also learned the only person I was dragging down and hurting was myself. It took me a long time to see this. I was hurting myself by letting my emotions take over. I would be on social media, and scroll past pictures of babies and I’d get mad that my babies didn’t get to stay. I’d get mad especially because some of the pictures were of babies around the same age as my daughter. Now when I see these same babies, I just wonder how my own children would have turned out. What they would look like now. And when I see all these newborn pictures, i congratulate the parents and yes I’m happy for them, but I still feel a little sad. I feel sad because I didn’t get to bring home my children, and ill never know what it will be like to have all my children with me.. But at least now I don’t let all my anger and hurt take over. But I also talk about my children all the time now. I learned that by talking about them and celebrating them, that makes it a little easier to get through everyday.
Just by talking about my daughter on her angel-versery, on social media, I felt like, even if no one read about my post, at least I was still remembering her on that very difficult day. Well the next day, one of my cousins made a post to honor my daughter and she tagged me in it. And just by her making that post, one of my cousins i had not heard from in a long time commented on that post and sent me a friend request. I was very surprised she remembered me, and she was just as surprised that I remembered her and her sister. Well, turns out, my cousin had been through a lot of similar things I had went though. I’m so glad we finally reconnected and can be there for each other.
I love this picture because, I once wondered all these things. I have felt lost without my child. More so on July 9, 2017. This was such a hard day for me. Probably one of the hardest days. That was the day that marked the first angel-versery of my daughter. I had been dreading this day all year long. I didn’t know how I’d make it thru it. I felt like I had no one to talk to that would understand. I felt so alone. I hope no one else ever feels this way. There is always someone out there to talk to who understands.
When I woke up, I was filled with a lot of anger and hate. Especially towards myself. I hated myself for how poorly I was coping with my loss. I was angry for pushing people away, but I didn’t know what else to do. I guess I thought if I pushed people away, then it would make grieving easier, but I was wrong. I should have let people in instead of pushing them away. I should have talked more about what I was going thru and how it was affecting me and how it affected those around me.
One lesson I learned was this, its ok to have a bad day. But its also ok to have good days and smile. I also learned that you will never get over the loss of your child, but some days will be easier than other days. You might not know it now, but your baby is living on thru you. Your love for that child will never end. Starting now I’m gonna start making my babies proud. Yes I miss them more than anything, but I need to learn how to cope and live again.
I guess what I am trying to say is this, don’t push those away who want to be there for you. Its so much harder to cope with the loss of your child on your own. You may feel like you have to grieve alone, but you don’t. Trust me its not worth bottling up all your emotions and grief. Also, talk to the child’s other parent. It wasn’t just you who lost a child. Try helping each other thru it. It may be hard but I know you all can do it. Be each others support system if your not already. And remember, someone is always there. You just have to reach out. No one will know you need help or someone to talk to unless you tell them.
All month, I made a goal to celebrate everyday my two angel babies. And so far I feel like I have been doing pretty well. But then I thought, well I haven’t talked about it thru my blog. The month is half way over and I’m not gonna stop remembering my angels. And I also realized what better way to honor them, than to talk about them? I’ve been thinking about sharing some of my memories of my daughter since I had more time with her. If your interested in my memories please leave a comment saying so. No hate. But I just want to help parents cope with trisomy 18, staying in the nicu, and child loss. No one should go thru this alone. This is my reasons for starting my blog.
Its sleepless nights like tonight that I think about both of you. I wonder how you are and if you both think about me as much as I think about you both. My heart is just so broken. I just want to be with both of you. I need your comfort and joy you brought me while you was here. I don’t know what to do. And some days I find it difficult to breathe. But all I know is I’m gonna honour both of you everyday. I want you both to be proud of me. Proud to call me mommy. Proud to take every step by my side even though I can’t see you right now. I will always love and miss you both. I hope you are enjoying heaven and being together.
I love this saying. It is so true for both of my angel babies!!
If I could see my daughter one more time I would hold her close, kiss her head, and tell her how much I love her. If I could change how her life was, I’d take away her chromosome disorder and fix both her heart defects, and I would have gave her a longer life at home and not spent at the hospital. If I could, I would have given her my last breath so she would have a lifetime more. If I could, I would also bring back the baby I just miscarried. I think about how life would have been if that baby would have been healthy.
I miss them and think about them, everyday, every hour, and every second. I feel like I cannot breathe. It has been rough continuing life without them. Time does not make this any easier. I will always love and miss my babies.
It all started in September 2015. I had just found out I was pregnant. My husband and I were very excited. We had been trying to have a baby for 10 months. As time went by we discovered our baby was a girl and she had a chromosome disorder called trisomy 18. Later on we also discovered that she had a hole in her heart. Well more time went by and we was getting more and more excited to have our little girl. Then one day, I went in for an ultrasound at 30 weeks. The bloodflow in the umbilical cord was deteriorating quickly. I ended up having an emergency csection. After that my baby had to stay in the nicu. I thought I would eventually be able to bring her home after her heart surgery. Oh boy did i get my hopes up. We ended up getting lifeflighted to primary children’s hospital in salt lake city a little over a month after she was born. They said they would do her surgeries before we left to go. Well after we got there we learned how severe her hole in her heart was, and we also learned she had another problem. Her aorta was narrowed. We had to wait for her to grow before they would do the surgeries. Then one day, she started having seizures. After that every surgeon refused to do her surgeries. We tried getting transferred but everywhere else refused as well. After a little over three months of age, on July 9, 2016, our little girl passed away and got her angel wings. Her heart had failed. And they couldn’t bring her back after that had happened.
Now its mid September 2016, and I have suffered thru having a miscarriage. I had to be put to sleep in order to have a dnc, so therefore I had to have a breathing tube down my throat. I am now just trying to recover and therefore I cannot go to work for a week.